If not now, when?

Questions of recovery.  We are not asked them just once in our recovery life.  But several times as we passage along the recovery highway, we come to stations of new commitment.  Places where we must leave the old behind and assume the new.

These questions are not easy answered, and more specifically they are not easily implemented.  We so resist change, even when it is for the better.  Even when it would transform us from fearful, anxious or depressed, we resist.  Even when change would mean freedom from our darkness, our loneliness and frustrations we cannot let go.

It is really about faith and trust.  Two commodities we addicts often find in very short supply.  Faith seems the easier of the two.  We find enough evidence to come to believe with some level of conviction.  But our faith often lacks the critical mass to overcome our inertia.  Or our shame steals it’s power with the lie that even though we believe fervently, somehow we, ourselves are unworthy of any blessings or help.

Trusting, now that is a different cat.  That is hard.  Taking the step into the darkness of the unknown is not part of our nature.  Most often trust has never been part of the repertoire.  For whatever reasons, it is a life skill that has escaped us and for many of us it was just plain stolen by our history.  Trust proved to not be useful at times.  Those in whom we put our trust hurt us badly.  We have learned to not go there.  And yet in recovery, we learn it is required.

Now is the time.  Intellectually, we know that.  But the truth of it unleashes waves of uneasiness that well up inside of us.  Major waves of emotion that scream fearful, anxious warnings.  We cleave to our insanities, our isolation, our codependency, our acting out.  We know they are destroying us, but we can not go without the comfort they afford.

Even when we have left our drug of choice behind us, we still struggle to trust.  We struggle to give up the supporting behaviors, we cling to our character defects, our entitlements, our self pity, our rationalizations, our pride.  We are afraid we can not do with out them.  But they are a tether.  They keep us in the addictive orbit, we are free of acting out but not free of it’s gravity.  Sobriety without recovery. It traps many.

Now is the time.  The results are nearly unimaginable to the addict.  Many have raised their voices as witnesses.  Trust the path, do the work.


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