Insp-1The following is from the wife of a pornography addict.  It contains a message for every addict.

Addicts are blind to many things. One very important one is the damage they do to their spouse and the marriage relationship. Your recovery will not be complete, or perhaps even start, until you realize some of the magnitude of the damage you have caused. If your reaction to reading this is, “But if she,” or “You don’t understand,” you are in more trouble than you realize. Please wake up, take responsibility, and start trying to heal the wounds you have inflicted on the innocents of your life.

I am going to bed. But I need to write before I do-I feel sad, numb, alone (no one is awake but J), unloved (by J), scared, and uncertain about my future with him….want to escape…I know that I can’t-he will be a part of my life with my kids forever. Have this feeling of failure-I get a first chance at marriage and he is what I have now-and he has really complicated my life. I feel sad that I can’t go bck. Even though I know that God will work all of this out for my good…I grieve the loss of a good marriage-a great environment for my kids to live in and grow in. I feel so much loss for all the years gone-that I have lived with J-and each that goes by is just one more day-where I felt pain and suffering at his hand. I wish I knew how many more days God wants me to do this…and why exactly He wants me to continue. I know that divorce does not fix my life-and I will see J all the time. What does my future hold? Because I married J and he has done what he has done with porn-and now with my life every day effected by a man with terrible damaging issues to both of us….I feel trapped in a life…at least today. I can’t see the future and the days -the years have been so long and painful. There has to be a good end to all of this. I didn’t come to earth to feel this bad. I haven’t done terrible things. My heart is good. I am good. And my life has come to this-a fight to see the silver lining every day as Jeremy seeks to strip me of my worth and value…. I am doing all I can to be less effected by J…but I am effected. I feel today like I have lost my dreams and I know that God will bless me-I am struggling to manage the thought of living this life with J-in this abusive marriage for any longer…struggling to know how to heal…feel like I am back pedaling staying married to J…and I just want to move forward. I so want to do the right thing-whatever that is-even if it is stay with J. Since that is the answer for now…I am struggling to want to do that. Feel so very discouraged about it all. I hate to admit that-wish I could just keep my head up and trust and have complete faith all the time. Feel so much loss and hope for the blessing of having all I have lost restored to me someday-in the eternities maybe. Feeling a deep sense of longing for all to be made right. I am slipping down that slope of depression…really struggling…need to go to bed so I don’t have to fight thought of suicide-that-keep interrupting. I don’t want to die-I just don’t want to have anything to do with J anymore-and there is no way to have that happen. There has to be a way to get to the other side of all the pain..a way through all of this since a way out is not happening…I will keep praying about it. I need a hug. I need a break. I need to sleep….

Posted by The wife of a porn addict