boyAt the age of 12 I was molested by my Scoutmaster. He was also a family friend, a member of our church, and in my young eyes, the coolest guy in the world.  You should have seen his 56 Chevy, and he let me drive it!  And his 50 caliber pistol I got to shoot, and the movies he took me to, he had professional grade pedophile grooming skills.  And he used them to do things to me that no one, young or old, should have to endure.

I did not speak of it for nearly 40 years. I lead myself to believe that it had no impact on me. You know, bad things happen to everybody… I dismissed it. It, however, did not dismiss me.

The history of my life looks like the community where the Cat-5 tornado touched down. Things are not where they are supposed to be. Things are totally missing, litter and debris cover the ground. I was faced with the cleanup. I came to understand that it was not a job I could not do alone. It is not a job that is completed even today.

Laura Davis, co-author of Courage to Heal states: Over the years I’ve come to realize that healing is, in fact a process that takes a lifetime. As survivors we need to settle in for the long haul. It’s a process that continues for the rest of our lives. healing is not about quick pain relief. It’s about the little steps. It’s about learning to take care of ourselves. It encompasses both progress and backsliding. Healing is slow. It is gradual. It does not proceed in a straight line. Healing takes time.

I can witness that Davis has it right.  And I add that that is ok.  I realize that there may be some ways that I will never fully complete this journey, I will certainly never be “normal”.  But the wisdom that comes with age has taught me to accept, even embrace that the healing journey is my goal and purpose, not some imagined would have or should have been.

As long as free agency is allowed for us, there will be victims, innocents. And of course the perpetrators that create them.  Both will be damaged by what ensues.  Our Savior was aware of the implications of the plan.  I have come to believe that He approached the victims and asked for their cooperation.  He would have been the victim in all suffering, but it just could not be.  He needed others to bare that burden.  He promised help and healing.  I personally believe that I rejoiced in being asked to help the plan work.  My human self has staggered under the weight of it, and at times struggled to find Him.  But I promise His healing is available.  He is there.  He is aware of each of us, knows our name and our struggle, sheds tears for our pain, and reaches out with His healing touch.

Our journey’s goal is to get to His out stretched hand.  Along the way we gain understanding, faith, wisdom and compassion.  My own journey has included the finding of myself and my faith, and the forgiving of my childhood judgements of self hatred over the events that happened in an attic bedroom  50 years ago.  In that process began the unleashing of the boy/man that my perpetrator had imprisoned in his pedophilia driven lust.  I am so grateful for the healing, for the journey, for my Savior.

Blessings to all,  roger.